Sunday, March 27, 2005

Mmm... Sacrelicious!

My friends, I think it is important now to discuss our importance in your Christian walk.

We Christian Reconstructionists are a sorry, persecuted group, especially amongst our own. Why, only last week, I and another fellow Reconstructionist were having a "Bomb the Abortion Clinics" rally, only to receive the cold shoulder from all Christians alike! I was holding up a picture of a bloodied, dismembered fetus while my partner ran about with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. And you know what happened? Countless numbers of my brothers in Christ stopped to tell us what horrible human beings were are.

Well, pardon me for defending the lives of the unborn! We here, as Christian Reconstructionists, believe God gave us each the grave responsibility of looking like total ditzes on national television, and I'm very sorry if some of the so-called "Christians" don't seem to understand this gift.

As I was saying, we're a lonely type of organization, consisting of only 0.8% of all "Christians" (if one can call non-Reconstructionists 'Christians' at all). Of course, we used to be far more prominent in the 50's--once the 60's hit with the message of 'love' and 'peace,' we didn't quite know what to do. As history shows us, our Reconstructionist ancestors panicked in this era, resulting in bonfires of records and the hectic fight against Satanic rock n' roll music.

Things eased up after 'Christian rock' arose, but we all know Christian rock is demonic as well, so we don't need to cover that.

Where was I?

...

Ah, yes!

Let me explain what we're like in simple language that you understand.

You see, the Christian Reconstructionists are like the pope, except for Christians.



Now, granted, there are differences, primarily: a) We don't wear silly-looking hats, b) We don't have a reconstructionist-mobile, and c) We're not that old. However, the principle is still there; mainly, the principle that God talks to us (AND NOT TO YOU) and therefore you should blindly follow everything we say.

Why is this necessary? In a rapidly developing world, obviously the Bible becomes more boring to people and fewer are willing to read it. 'Thou's and 'thee's become tiring, and people get lazy, so it is our job to suffer bizarre seizures and brain hemorrhages and to later claim we saw God and it was "like, really cool." Instead of actually reading the Bible and trying to verify the work of our Christian ancestors thousands of years before us, we make up some stuff today to follow.

Another problem is that more and more, there aren't any demons or witches hanging around, so we as Christian Reconstructionists must find way to makeshift our hunts for evil. To make life more exciting, we declare Harry Potter, Poke'mon, D&D, and all translations other than the KJV to be Satan's handiwork. Instead of actually doing anything that may take effort, we can just make sure we feel better than everyone else by not doing something as simple as going to the movies.

Call us rabble-rousers if you like, but we truly believe in what we are doing!

HEATHENS! HEATHENS!!

...(Pant pant)

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