Friday, April 22, 2005


"I'm telling you, coffee is of the devil!"

"Look, I'm way holier than you, and I drink ten cups a day!"

"But there's caffeine in it! That's a drug!"

"It's not a real drug!"

"'Real' drug? What do you mean by THAT?"

I loudly coughed at the childish scuffle and mess of ties and spectacles. "Guys..."

The two middle-aged men were screaming like girls, one bashing the other in the skull with an oversized donut. The rest of us looked on, blinking and patiently sitting back on the folding chairs.

"Coffee good, Al?" I wearily asked, tipping my foam cup in his direction.

"A little strong," he consented.

The girlish screams grew too loud to speak, so we took up the task of separating Bob and Joe. The board meeting hadn't gone as smoothly as I hoped it would, and the meeting hadn't even started yet.

"All right, my brothers," I loudly announced, stepping in front of the semicircle of folding chairs. Coffee and donuts were being passed around like the sacramental wine and bread, a faint chatter of a dozen balding men quivering through the largely empty room. "I think it's time we get started."

My suggestion was met with squeals of anger from Bob and Joe, who were being held down in their chairs on opposite sides of the circle. I ignored it.

"Ernie will read the minutes," I explained, grabbing Ernie by the collar and pushing him to the front.

"Wh-what? I never agreed to--"

I handed him the minutes and patted him on the back. "Thanks for volunteering on such short notice."

Ernie swallowed and adjusted his glasses. "Well... Let's see:

Ernie looked up. "That's it."

"Any corrections?" I asked, looking to the others.

Al raised his hand. "Didn't we burn an effigy of some kind? I think we burned an effigy."

There was a circle of nodding. "What kind of effigy?"

"Um... Probably of a heathen."

More nods.

"Fine," I sighed. "Make the correction, Ernie. Any more?" I could see we were in agreement, and Ernie sat down. "Moving on, I have some announcements to make. First of all, just this week we've hit a record: 19 Christian Reconstructionists officially exist in the United States!"

Kyle, inappropriately, leapt to his feet, letting out a wild cheer.

We stared at him. He sat down.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure myrtle03 and joshu4z are the same person," Ernie accused.

"What??" I struggled to regain my composure. "Really?"

"They use the exact same emoticons."

I slapped my forehead. Of course! It was so obvious!

"Well, whatever--the fact is, we've gained national recognition. That leads me to my next announcement though. There's good and bad news."

They wanted the good news first.

"We've gained recognition from the Southern Baptist Convention--"

Kyle cheered, and was stared down again.

"--but only to be condemned and denied any association."

Why? they asked.

I snorted. "Southern Baptists have this crazy idea that the church and state are seperate. In other words, they don't like our Theocracy dealie-o."

"They're probably heathens anyway," Al asserted dismissively.

We all agreed; Kyle, for a third time, emitted an inappropriate cry.

Kyle was gently taken care of in the manner we treat all fellow Brothers in Christ.

Bob and Joe went at it again, but it didn't matter anymore. We adjourned and went upstairs into the kitchen for cookies.

In short, the meeting was a brilliant success. Score 1 for Chris Recon and his gang of revolutionaries!


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