Friday, April 29, 2005

No Worries

I've been getting frantic e-mails as of late from concerned brothers in Christ, regarding this:

"Examining the Real Agenda of the Religious Far Right"

Why do you worry, my brothers? Don't you get it?

They had a whole, freakin' CONFERENCE about us!!!

I'm so giddy I cannot help but giggle like a schoolgirl.

Perhaps the most fantastic part of the conference is its treatment of our agenda: instead of ridiculing us for being a tiny fragment of a forgotten branch of Christianity, they are grilling over questions never thought of before. Mainly, how do Christian Reconstructionists affect American politics? How will they affect the future?

I tell you now, NO ONE has ever thought of these fundamental questions of our existence, because the primary response from the average American is, "The Christian who?"

I applaud these progressives for their bravery in pointing us out, despite the fact we are still a mere collection of old, white guys trying to convince 99.9% of the other "Christians" we aren't completely batty. These speakers are truly realizing the power of the squealched and mocked religious minority, realizing that if ONE Christian thinks America should be "Under God," than the country is undergoing an assault of religious fanatacism. Never before has such a tiny and dismissed piece of a monstrous group of people been upheld as the center of a religious agenda.

Sure, they hate our guts and want to ship all Christians off to the metaphorical boxcars, but we can live with that so long as we get into power before they do.

I decided to do some undercover work, as I like to do. Yes, my brothers, I had the great honor of attending the conference and listening to one of the speakers!

John Sugg was all right, railing against us and calling us all sorts of bad names I spoke to him afterwards.

Sugg: AND I WAS LIKE OH MY GAWD! These people... Are trying to reinstitute slavery and everything!

Me: Sooo, how do you so few people can do so much?

Sugg: They're a spark plug, dude. People don't know it but the RECONS ARE COMIN' TO GET YOU! They believe in, like, stoning gays and stuff. Prehistoric, man.

Me: Uh... All right, but--

Sugg: HAR HAR GET THIS! See, I'm not like right-wing pundits. Cuz I'm not a GAY PROSTITUTE. Get it? ...Jeff Gannon? Because he's gay? I mean, not that there's anything WRONG with that, but still, the faggot is Republican.

Me: ...

Sugg: Oh gawd I'm so drunk right now.

As you can see, it was particularly intellectually enthralling to see these minds at work, trying to undo our labor.

But, still, they are HEATHENS. Let us not forget they are rooted in the evils of this nation, which we are to reap once we take over.

So, we cross them off the list of people we are going to allow to live under the Theocracy. Actually, as the days go on, I'm beginning to notice a pattern emerging: Whoever isn't a Christian Reconstructionist is being crossed off.

Weird, huh?


Post a Comment

<< Home