Thursday, May 05, 2005

Jesus Prosperity is the Key!

Where have I been?

Bah--as though you would believe me, you heathens.

Oh man... What am I doing?...Shouldn't have drinked so much last night...

Uh, yeah. So, Magnum posts on Joel Osteen.

I adamently oppose Magnum's misrepresentation of the Christian Reconstructionist's opinion of Joel! You see, the only people with hard enough hearts to call Joel a fraud are those other, "real" Christians. The other "Christians"--the majority--insist that Osteen is nothing but a sappy, empty shell of a person. They also point out the ridiculous amount of money Osteen earns, but this is clearly out of jealousy. CLEARLY!

Although Joel's philosophy of non-controversy and holding people's hands so they'll feel better about themselves conflicts with our "stone the gays" mentality, I think there are many issues we can agree on.

Joel and the other Word of Faith televangelists are simply preaching the simple gospel of Jesus, love, and more importantly, MONEY. Too many people nowadays focus on that downer-of-a-topic called "sin" and "forgiveness."
"It's the goodness of God that leads people to repentance," Osteen asserts carefully avoiding the dreaded word 'sin.'
Heck, yeah! It's also what leads them to handing over all the moolah when times get tough living in the ol' million-dollar Mansion. Honestly, do we really believe Jesus wants us to feel bad about ourselves? As we all should know, Jesus was the King of Self-Esteem, as his famous quote "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" tells us.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be rich, and Joel understands that. In his newest book, he shares this family-friendly message with people who just don't like all those uncheerful parts of the Bible.

Don't believe me? You don't think he's truly as magical as I say he is? Well, behold, the Joel website!

See that "J" logo at the top? One might think it stands for "Jesus" or something, but GUESS WHAT? It stands for "Joel!" His website is like an enormous, highly ambiguous puzzle where you can't find any page which actually talks about God upfrontly. It's so beautiful. *Sniff*

And the last reason we Christian Reconstructionists just love him to bits:


Raaawr! Whatta heart-breaker!


While I'm on Word of Faith ministers,
it's time for you to meet Robert Tilton, Osteen's obscure, schizophrenic cousin:
[Leigh] Valentine... divorced [Tilton] two years later, citing constant abuse. He would throw her down stairs, slam her against walls, hurl cordless telephones at her head, drink himself into blind rages (often declaring he was the Pope) and wake up in the night screaming that rats were eating his brain.
Heh-heh! There's our Robbie!

For those of you who remember/still know of this guy, I know we all have fond memories of him. From his warm, erratic facial expressions to his shameless-quoting-the-Bible-out-of-context orgies, Tilton is the Ultimate Whore of the Prosperity movement.

Back in his golden age, when Tilton wasn't furiously masturbating with $100 bills, he would preach and teach old ladies about how sending him money makes God ever-so-happy.

"Oooh," he would croon, rubbing cold change across his chest. "God loves it when you send me a thousand dollars. Yes, YES, GOD LOVES IT!!"

It was often unclear whether the 'God' he was referring to was Yahweh or himself...


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