Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Dance, Monkey, DANCE!

It's time--we've got to mourn the loss of our beloved inspiration, Magnum. He hasn't posted since May, and shows no signs of returning to offer his Liberal insight into our organization/plan for world domination.

I, too, thought that it may be the end of the blog. What could replace Magnum's ability to make up so much information in one sitting? Could we ever find a website that harbors such clarity of thinking?

But just when I was about to despair, behold! I saw a light, coming in the form of a website that compulsively posts Saint Cindy Sheehan's picture. I mean, heck, she even posts at this website! Any form of media that supports a woman in utter hysterics is good enough for us!

I introduce to you the Huffington Post. If you're not sure about their credentials, just check this out: one of their writers is a thirteen-year-old girl whose bio picture is an anime girl. What else could you possibly ask for?

The moment I read the post where a writer reveals his homoerotic fantasies about Saddam Hussein, I knew I had found a new home where I can discover the liberal's views of all things religion. Here, I will continue to keep tabs on their advancements in figuring us out, and we will alter our plans accordingly.


First, "Cenk Uygur" offered his advice on how to deal with fundamentalists. Basically, he contended they belonged in an asylum. Why? Well, apparently, religious people BELIEVE IN STUFF.

Take notes, my brothers. I think he's onto something there. I mean, the "believing" stuff, not the part about how it's crazy to believe something that isn't backed up by evidence or, if in doubt, MoveOn.Org.

Now, he's taking aim at Pat Robertson for suggesting America should assassinate the democratically-elected leader of Venezuela. Cenk had an interest in this because a) Pat Robertson is a Christian (though evidence shows he might not be reconstructionist--feh!) and b) If one Christian says something, it obviously means every Christian on the face of the earth believes it.

"I mean, seriously," he elaborated after posting, "Hugo was democratically elected. You know who else was democatically elected? Hussein! In fact, he was elected by the majority--like, 210%! Iraq was in fact a super-DUPER democracy before Bush invaded it!"

Liberal heathens are not always kindly towards our plans for world domination. But at this post on DailyKos, we've been found out!
Is there any doubt that the American Taliban has more in common with our Islamic fundamentalist enemies?
I'm gonna take a wild guess... "No"?

And while the religions may be different, the core of them is not...
Hey, I was right!
-- Opposition to rival faiths...
Frankly, my "Christian" brothers have been failing in this regard. There are too many Christians claiming that religions need to be "united" in their purpose, and even go as far as to STUDY other religions! If you poll the Christian population, not even 10% would support killing all infidels! What sort of lukewarm faith is that?
...Hostility to science...
Science wants to eat our chiiiildren. Didn't you know that? Science is like a big snake... Thingee. That crawls along the ground and hunts our children's minds. It destroys everything that is pure!

How? Heck, I don't know. What do I look like, a scientist, or something?
...Interference in people's private lives...
There ought to be a law!
...Control over women's bodies...
Why is it always about the women? Liberals never give us credit for controlling men's bodies!
An irrational belief in the supremacy of the male over female...
Get in the kitchen! Iron my jeans!
We tried this "militancy" thing at a convention of educational heathens, and Kyle got sort of excited. He started threatening to say the Pledge of Allegiance, and that got them all rattled up.

It didn't work out too well, in the end. The people at the convention flipped, called us "terrorists," and pushed Al into the "safe sex" booth. Ernie started crying and ran off before we could grab a hold of him--it was an awful mess.

I couldn't help but wonder if there was something else required of a group of religious people to be "militants," but I was pretty sure all you needed was to do was a) in a group and b) disagree with liberals.
The world is flat. Moving on...
...And a rejection of logic...
I can't deny this, because in this reference, "logic" is the direct equivalent of "what liberals believe." You have to watch for this fluctuation of definition; for example:

Statement: "Republicans are illogical and reject the truth!"

True Meaning: "Republicans aren't Democrats!"
...An unassailable belief in their own righrousness [sic]...
No. YOU'RE WRONG! You're so wrong and I'm right!
...And the deifying of certain unelectable, unaccountable individuals as "spokesmen for god", be it Pat Robertson or the Ayatollahs.
Or Jesse Jackson.

Oh, wait, sorry. Wrong party.

Good thing Liberals are fun to watch, otherwise we would have been outed a looong time ago.


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