Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Home Sweet Home

I don't know if this needs--you know--clarification, but I'm a pretty veracious supporter of homeschooling myself. Why? Because...

Well, you know! They teach bad things like evolution, which by the way is ONLY a theory!!! You people... Shaaame!

So anyway, I've encountered this story and had to review some of the facts to make sure we Christian brothers have our views right. Last I heard, we Reconstructionists decided we didn't like Nazis, mostly so that we would survive more than two minutes without being brutally slaughtered by all normal people in this country. So, unfortunately, I'll have to chastise the homeschooling parents of these two teens:
Thirteen-year-old twins Lamb and Lynx Gaede have one album out, another on the way, a music video, and lots of fans... Known as "Prussian Blue" — a nod to their German heritage and bright blue eyes — the girls from Bakersfield, Calif., have been performing songs about white nationalism before all-white crowds since they were nine.

"We're proud of being white, we want to keep being white," said Lynx. "We want our people to stay white … we don't want to just be, you know, a big muddle. We just want to preserve our race."

Aww, aren't the little Nazi girls cute? They want to preserve their fictional race!


I mean, how HORRIBLE!

Nonetheless, there was a press debate over whether these home-schooled girls prove that all home-schoolers are therefore racist Nazis who are recruiting children for the perpetration of their own agenda.

"Look," the nameless blonde news-whore began, "all I'm saying is, doesn't this just show how racist all people who object to the school system are? These girls were homeschooled just so they could be Nazis."

The pro-homeschoolers pointed out that cases like this were no only extremely rare, but that public schools are in fact much more efficient in making criminal and racist juveniles.

"Excuse me?" the blonde puffed up, eyes narrowing. "Do you know what we are? We're the news media, you f***ers! We are the TRUTH! Just because you Nazi Christian Jew supremacists think the public school system is garbage doesn't mean it's TRUE! You people make me sick. Because you know what? We understand the whole system. We appreciate the behemoth of beauracracy that chews up and spits out its consumers like bad chewing tobacco--because we've lived it! We've worked 200 years to give this inadequate, failing system and you dare to deny it? You want choices? What are you, capitalist pigs??"

The home-schoolers nearly opened their mouths.

"Let's see what this KKK member thinks about this issue," the blonde whistfully shifted.

"They're probably Jews," the KKKer began. "Because... You know. They're just probably Jews or something."


Somehow, I don't think the English language can appropriately sum up this issue--the fact that these 13 years olds are racist and accompany bands like Shawn Sugg, who has the lyrical talent of a poet--observe:
Let the cities burn, let the streets run red, if you ain't white you'll be dead.
Doesn't that just roll off the tongue? Maybe if he stopped being... A Nazi, he could actually have an audience that doesn't want to lynch him.

I imagine these girls someday finding themselves in a pretty awkward position in which there is a) a black person and b) no reasonable means to assert their racial authority without being immediately jumped and killed.
April had decided that Bakersfield was not "white" enough, so she sold her home, and hopes that she and the girls can find an all-white community in the Pacific Northwest.
Well, just... God bless 'em and their white selves. They're just proud of their white skin, white teeth, white eyes, white hair, white hearts, white appendixes, and their white music and white life-style; they want to continue being white and making white music in front of white crowds, and I say, white let 'em! Maybe someday the little white girls will grow up to be white druggies and smoke some good white crack and get some good old-fashioned white heart attacks and die.

I think I should write a song about that. It would be, like, "let's go smoke some crack, because weed is for n*****s!"

Then I could become obscenely rich for writing crap, just like them.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Christians Cause AIDS and Global Warming?

I had to stifle a girlish scream yesterday.

I was innocently surfing my usual websites, spying on liberal heathens and all, and suddenly they linked to a study--one that said Christians are bad for society!

Gregory S. Paul, a man who has before proven that Christians were just plain giddy about Hitler and Naziism, uses the study to compare the United States, which apparently is a powerful beacon of godliness, to secular countries.

I guess some people haven't heard that we Christian Reconstructionists are still working on the whole Theocracy thing.

Greg references the fact that America believes in God and still has crime. He was shocked! Why, it even has more crime than the sexular secular paradises, Europe and Japan! In Japan, dagnabbit, they don't NEED to shoot someone to kill 'em; they just humiliate the person in front of his peers, and he commits suicide the next day in unspeakable shame! That's what I call efficiency.

I was appalled by the study and set out to figure this guy out. We'll probably have to knock him off once we take over the country, so I decided I might as well start now.


What I encountered once I traced his address was, not surprisingly, he had quite the humble abode. Apparently he is a bit sensitive, too, to strangers touching his precious million-dollar turf.

He was waving his gun at me and screaming for 'Christians' to stay off of his lawn and get a job. I immediately yelled in return, correcting him, for he obviously thought I came for the purpose of protest.

"I only have a few question for you concerning your latest study!"


It took a few minutes of desperate pleading for my life to assure him I wasn't trying to ursurp him, and when I said I was a member of the press, he immediately calmed.

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" he spoke in surprise. He put down his rifle and invited me inside. "Do you want to see some dinosaur pictures? I draw dinosaurs, you know."

I politely declined, again pointing out my purpose in coming.

"But... Dinosaurs..."

"I was wondering how you intended to support your notion that religious causes social ills."

He uttered a swear. "What do you mean? Isn't it obvious? I proved it! Look, the U.S. is a screwed up, God-loving, Bible-thumping country; the U.S. is also almost always the most dysfunctional of the developing democracies, sometimes spectacularly so. Doesn't that show something?"

"You looked at some statistics and concluded that since Americans practice religion and also have higher homocide rates than England, it means religion is bad for society."

I think he was catching on. He looked at me like I had grown an extra arm. "Uh, YEAH."

"Americans also bathe more than Europeans--does that mean bathing is bad for society, too?"

He stood up and started screaming again, pointing his finger at me and jumping up and down. "YOU AMERICANS! YOU THINK YOU'RE SO TOUGH!! I'LL SHOW YOU!! I'LL BECOME RICHER AND MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CAN EVER HOPE TO BE!"

At this point, I was getting a very bad headache, and before I knew it, I woke up tied in a chair under a glaring light. There was some subtle mumbling about Nazis and velociraptors, and so without thinking about it I asked aloud, "Didn't you ever consider that some Americans just claim to be Christians, but are really just..."

"--How did you know it was me?" he squawked in alarm. "You can't see me in the dark like this!"

"--'Freelance'?" I continued, ignoring him while raising an eyebrow.

There was a silence.

"You know, just like you're a 'freelance' sociologist--that is to say, they're not real."

"--Did you know Nazis were Christians?"


Fortunately, he's a very easily distracted man. He left the room to go onto his computer and check his e-mail, resulting in high-pitched howls.

While he was immersed in yelling at his computer screen to vocally answer the e-mails ("OH YEAH, YOU 'PROFESSIONAL' SOCIOLOGIST?? YOU'RE A LOGICAL FALLACY!"), I slipped from my bonds and escaped without incident.

Next time I visit a freelance scientist, I'm bringing a weapon. Or maybe a pillow; my neck really hurts after I fell asleep during one of his lectures.