Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Christians Cause AIDS and Global Warming?

I had to stifle a girlish scream yesterday.

I was innocently surfing my usual websites, spying on liberal heathens and all, and suddenly they linked to a study--one that said Christians are bad for society!

Gregory S. Paul, a man who has before proven that Christians were just plain giddy about Hitler and Naziism, uses the study to compare the United States, which apparently is a powerful beacon of godliness, to secular countries.

I guess some people haven't heard that we Christian Reconstructionists are still working on the whole Theocracy thing.

Greg references the fact that America believes in God and still has crime. He was shocked! Why, it even has more crime than the sexular secular paradises, Europe and Japan! In Japan, dagnabbit, they don't NEED to shoot someone to kill 'em; they just humiliate the person in front of his peers, and he commits suicide the next day in unspeakable shame! That's what I call efficiency.

I was appalled by the study and set out to figure this guy out. We'll probably have to knock him off once we take over the country, so I decided I might as well start now.


What I encountered once I traced his address was, not surprisingly, he had quite the humble abode. Apparently he is a bit sensitive, too, to strangers touching his precious million-dollar turf.

He was waving his gun at me and screaming for 'Christians' to stay off of his lawn and get a job. I immediately yelled in return, correcting him, for he obviously thought I came for the purpose of protest.

"I only have a few question for you concerning your latest study!"


It took a few minutes of desperate pleading for my life to assure him I wasn't trying to ursurp him, and when I said I was a member of the press, he immediately calmed.

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" he spoke in surprise. He put down his rifle and invited me inside. "Do you want to see some dinosaur pictures? I draw dinosaurs, you know."

I politely declined, again pointing out my purpose in coming.

"But... Dinosaurs..."

"I was wondering how you intended to support your notion that religious causes social ills."

He uttered a swear. "What do you mean? Isn't it obvious? I proved it! Look, the U.S. is a screwed up, God-loving, Bible-thumping country; the U.S. is also almost always the most dysfunctional of the developing democracies, sometimes spectacularly so. Doesn't that show something?"

"You looked at some statistics and concluded that since Americans practice religion and also have higher homocide rates than England, it means religion is bad for society."

I think he was catching on. He looked at me like I had grown an extra arm. "Uh, YEAH."

"Americans also bathe more than Europeans--does that mean bathing is bad for society, too?"

He stood up and started screaming again, pointing his finger at me and jumping up and down. "YOU AMERICANS! YOU THINK YOU'RE SO TOUGH!! I'LL SHOW YOU!! I'LL BECOME RICHER AND MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CAN EVER HOPE TO BE!"

At this point, I was getting a very bad headache, and before I knew it, I woke up tied in a chair under a glaring light. There was some subtle mumbling about Nazis and velociraptors, and so without thinking about it I asked aloud, "Didn't you ever consider that some Americans just claim to be Christians, but are really just..."

"--How did you know it was me?" he squawked in alarm. "You can't see me in the dark like this!"

"--'Freelance'?" I continued, ignoring him while raising an eyebrow.

There was a silence.

"You know, just like you're a 'freelance' sociologist--that is to say, they're not real."

"--Did you know Nazis were Christians?"


Fortunately, he's a very easily distracted man. He left the room to go onto his computer and check his e-mail, resulting in high-pitched howls.

While he was immersed in yelling at his computer screen to vocally answer the e-mails ("OH YEAH, YOU 'PROFESSIONAL' SOCIOLOGIST?? YOU'RE A LOGICAL FALLACY!"), I slipped from my bonds and escaped without incident.

Next time I visit a freelance scientist, I'm bringing a weapon. Or maybe a pillow; my neck really hurts after I fell asleep during one of his lectures.


At 4:19 PM, Blogger TomLop said...

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Come and check it out when you get time :-)

At 11:24 AM, Blogger Jennifer said...

First nof all when you visit a man with a gun in his hand waving at you, you must run or get shot at. an optional suggestion is always bring a gun with you. just in case.
Oh who eva made that logical 'thing' is pretty much bored with his/her life or screwed.

Whac-girl signing out!!!


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