Thursday, December 08, 2005

The Lion, The Neocon, and the Wardrobe

Have you heard?

Chronicles Of Narnia is coming out tomorrow!

Now, my brothers, it is time to whip out a classic move: our nonsensical optimisim about how effective the media is. It is no secret that all sides of the political spectrum believe television, movies, and music have zombie-control over our children. After all, children are stupid! So when a blatantly Christian movie is released, two things take place. 1) We declare the movie to be America's final salvation, and the greatest witnessing tool since the beginning of Christianity, 2) the enemy shrieks because of the impending theocracy.

Do not fear! The theocracy will give free tickets, after all.

Now, I know we said this before with the Passion of the Christ and all, but believe me, it really worked. You may not know it, but because of that movie, all adults in America have wholeheartedly converted! Now, it's time for the kiddies to be converted with an allegorical story of Christ.

The only foreseeable problem is that in Aslan's crucifixion, there is apparently not going to be a bloodfest. Come on guys! Unrestrained violence did great things for the Passion! Why not for a kid's movie?

...What? Of course! Everyone knows talking lions make children want to convert! How dare you question our hasty judgement!



(Library Visit By Philip Pullman)

Philip Pullman: *Reading his Amber Spyglass to a group of 5-year-olds* "And that is why, children, religion is a bunch of lies and God is really a dead lying liar who never existed in the first place."

Child: "My mommy says your the devil."

Philip: "Your mother is a religious neocon fascist. And she's probably a racist too."

Second child: *Raises hand* "I thought you said you were going to read Narnia."

Philip: "My books are BETTER because mine are based on SCIENCE. And my books will one day replace that filth people have somehow come to treasure; the sole purpose of my 'His Dark Materials' series was to undermine that... That... CHRISTIAN! So get used to it!"

Second child: "But your books are stupid and self-serving."

Philip: "Okay, you little mini-fascist. Have it your way. Which chapter full of misogynistic bile do you want me to read first?"



"Theocracy! Theocracy!"

Some nameless liberals shuddered with panic upon witnessing the television teaser for the Chronicles of Narnia, the overwhelming scent of Christianity in the air.

"They're going to brainwash our children! Force us to go to church! Celebrate Christmas!"

"There is a Christian movie being shown!" another screamed. "And they call this country free? What about separation of Church and state? What about tolerance?"

Polly Toynbee sighed and called the meeting to order. "Not yet," she instructed crossly. "We can't call the Christians on trying to take over the world until the movie becomes popular. When everyone likes the movie, THAT'S when theocracy is taking place. Those jack-booted neocon nazi-fascists think they can get away with practicing their religion in peace; well they're wrong. We won't rest until every offended person in this nation is avenged with blood! The blood of Republicans and Christian conservatives--the true threat to America's liberty!"


All attentions turned to the large lion standing in the center of the room, shackled and held hostage by a party of frenzied atheists.

"What am I doing here?" Aslan inquired, looking a bit baffled.

Polly grinned at the sight, relieved because of the successful capture. "Ah, so you've arrived. All right, you. You stand here in the presence of our court. And you, Beast, have been found guilty on charges of..."

Polly gathered her notes and read: "Being a religious symbol, forcing your religion on everyone else, leading a country into war without U.N. approval, animal abuse, intolerance, being a BIG BULLY who thinks just because you're big and tough you can think you're so RIGHT, disrupting the people's right to worship Tash as they please, and probably being Republican."


"Just because the White Witch has a different lifestyle from your own doesn't give you the right to judge her!"


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At 4:31 PM, Blogger Jennifer said...

Christian Reconstructionists, Ya'll are crazy.

1st: Childrens movie should not show blood to a bunch of little children. You'll scare the little devils.

2nd: I don't think that Aslan is trying to force anyone to convert.

3rd: The white witch is totally evil. Children are smart after all. Just not that little boy in the story...Uh what's is name...someboy.

and 4th: Go back to church.

At 4:32 PM, Blogger Jennifer said...

The first commentor blog me too.


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