Wednesday, March 30, 2005

The Pharmacies are OURS

Well, Magnum is on top of things today:
Pharmacist have absolutly NO right to refuse to fill prescriptions. But unfortunatly the christian reconstructionist have found another way to try to control people and force them to have unwanted babies. In many states christian reconstructionist controled pharmacist are not just saying no to the morning after pill, but also to birth control, and they are also not giving the Prescription back to the person.
As you can see, Magnum has uncovered our latest plan. Don't let his utter lack of facts confuse you; we are in fact paying off corporations all the time to bend to our will.



If you pump enough money into a cause, eventually knees will bow and tongues confess. After a couple million, we can get even an atheist/pagan company to start posting crosses on public property and having Christmas parties. It's a beautiful thing.

Have a one-night stand and got pregnant? The kid's OURS. You see, "the church" likes living people. Because... Just look at the graph:



DEAD PEOPLE DON'T GIVE US MONEY.

Magnum was smart enough to see through this "concern for life."
This is what the christian reconstructionist want. they want to force women who are poor to have children so that the children, they hope, will grow up and work and will pay their tithes to the church.
You see, abortion is actually okay. Women are merely practicing their God-given right to yank their fetuses out of their womb and sticking the little suckers into a blender. This is a perfectly humane practice that no normal person can condone. However, as usual, the money gets in the way.

We've had a shortage of serfs recently due to the famine, and the lords keep getting abortions, so GOSH DARNIT, the Church isn't getting its due!

The solution, then, is to pay off the pharmacies to make sure women are forced to produce the children they've already become pregnant with.

Ah, I know what worries you: "What about the money trail? Why isn't there any?"

FOOLISH HEATHEN!

That's because of the... er... wizards...



Christian... Wizards...

Well, that is, before we stone them for witchcraft.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Mmm... Sacrelicious!

My friends, I think it is important now to discuss our importance in your Christian walk.

We Christian Reconstructionists are a sorry, persecuted group, especially amongst our own. Why, only last week, I and another fellow Reconstructionist were having a "Bomb the Abortion Clinics" rally, only to receive the cold shoulder from all Christians alike! I was holding up a picture of a bloodied, dismembered fetus while my partner ran about with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. And you know what happened? Countless numbers of my brothers in Christ stopped to tell us what horrible human beings were are.

Well, pardon me for defending the lives of the unborn! We here, as Christian Reconstructionists, believe God gave us each the grave responsibility of looking like total ditzes on national television, and I'm very sorry if some of the so-called "Christians" don't seem to understand this gift.

As I was saying, we're a lonely type of organization, consisting of only 0.8% of all "Christians" (if one can call non-Reconstructionists 'Christians' at all). Of course, we used to be far more prominent in the 50's--once the 60's hit with the message of 'love' and 'peace,' we didn't quite know what to do. As history shows us, our Reconstructionist ancestors panicked in this era, resulting in bonfires of records and the hectic fight against Satanic rock n' roll music.

Things eased up after 'Christian rock' arose, but we all know Christian rock is demonic as well, so we don't need to cover that.

Where was I?

...

Ah, yes!

Let me explain what we're like in simple language that you understand.

You see, the Christian Reconstructionists are like the pope, except for Christians.



Now, granted, there are differences, primarily: a) We don't wear silly-looking hats, b) We don't have a reconstructionist-mobile, and c) We're not that old. However, the principle is still there; mainly, the principle that God talks to us (AND NOT TO YOU) and therefore you should blindly follow everything we say.

Why is this necessary? In a rapidly developing world, obviously the Bible becomes more boring to people and fewer are willing to read it. 'Thou's and 'thee's become tiring, and people get lazy, so it is our job to suffer bizarre seizures and brain hemorrhages and to later claim we saw God and it was "like, really cool." Instead of actually reading the Bible and trying to verify the work of our Christian ancestors thousands of years before us, we make up some stuff today to follow.

Another problem is that more and more, there aren't any demons or witches hanging around, so we as Christian Reconstructionists must find way to makeshift our hunts for evil. To make life more exciting, we declare Harry Potter, Poke'mon, D&D, and all translations other than the KJV to be Satan's handiwork. Instead of actually doing anything that may take effort, we can just make sure we feel better than everyone else by not doing something as simple as going to the movies.

Call us rabble-rousers if you like, but we truly believe in what we are doing!

HEATHENS! HEATHENS!!

...(Pant pant)

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Chris R., Reporting For Duty!

Forget everything you know about Christianity.

In fact, it's best if you forget everything you know, period.

Got it?

Good.

**********

We Christian Reconstructionists have been having a ball recently, and you should know why. In November of 2004, about 52% the United States of America voted for the conservative candidate George Bush. Obviously, this shows that the entire U.S. is a conservative country.

Furthermore, it shows that the U.S. wants a theocracy. Conservatism is the desire for smaller government and for traditional values: therefore, conservatives want a theocratic dictatorship. Don't let the "smaller government" garbage confuse you, my brothers in Christ. The moment a person votes Republican, they have declared forfeit to sha'aria. And that is why we are here.

Oo-rah!

The Christian Reconstructionists are now preparing takeover, and I, Chris R., am here to guide my brothers in Christ in our plan.

No, I am not Chris Rock. My name is Chris Recon, Christian Reconstructionist.

Why does my name allign so perfectly with my title? The answer: Shut up, you heathen.

I can understand why you may yet be confused with our purpose, but you see, we have an enemy. Magnum Serpentine, a progressive blogger, has proven too cunning for us. He posts our plans and secret intentions before we can give them away! With all three of his readers, he has wrecked havoc on our plots and has become our one arch enemy.

But the Christian Reconstructionists will strike back, with all two readers behind us all the way!

Well, except for chick_4jesus83 on Wednesdays. She chats with her boyfriend on Wednesdays.

NONETHELESS!

We will reign! We will rule all! THE RECONSTRUCTIONISTS WILL LAY CLAIM TO ALL THINGS! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

...

...For Jesus, I mean...