Tuesday, January 15, 2008

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DONT MOVE

DONT EFFING MOVE YOU THEISTS


THIS IS THE YOUTUBE ATHEIST ALLIANCE, THE RATIONAL RESPONSE SQUAD

AND WE HAVE HACKED THIS BLOG TO BRING YOU A VERY SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT


HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

WE SURE SHOWED YOU.

STAY TUNED FOR SOME TRUTH, STRAIGHT FROM SOME ATHEISTS WHO HAVE PROBABLY GONE TO COLLEGE. YEAH, THAT'S MORE EDUCATION THAN YOU'VE EVER HAD, JESUS-FREAKS.

*****

Tremble not, little ones! It is I, AmazingAtheist, here to bestow more of my amazing wit and neck-bearded charm.

So as usual I started my day off by looking at some child po--I mean reading Darwin and pondering the stupidity of religious people. That got me pretty hot and bothered. er, bothered. Because religious stupidity bothers me.

Then around lunch I went into my parents garage and yelled at my webcam for a while. Ahh, that was nice. Except that F***ING DOG NEXT DOOR KEPT INTERRUPTING ME.

GOD I'M GOING TO KILL THAT THING. AS IF MY LIFE WASN'T HARD ENOUGH, WHAT WITH HAVING E-FAME AND CONSTANT DRAMA.

Those idiot trolls are taking over my comments on YouTube. It takes forever reporting all of them, so I'm thinking about threatening to quit, because making a public video complaining about something always turns people's opinions in your favor. I'm pretty sure this is true because I'm a philosophy major.

And then I found a comment that just made me burst into a long thread of profanity. A CHRISTIAN DISAGREED WITH ME. WHAT THE F***. WHERE DO THEY THINK THEY GET OFF, THOSE REDNECKS. If they had intellect and class like me, they would know how wrong they are. And then someone called me a classist. I'M NOT A CLASSIST YOU DUMB HICK. I'M JUST SMARTER THAN YOU AND BY PROXY EVERYONE WHO LIVES IN THE SOUTH.

Yeah so then I got peeved about Christians' ideas about sex. They are such prudes. Sex never hurt anyone, and it's perfectly natural. Why, I had sex with my GIRLFRIEND the other day.

...

Ok I admit it that was a lie. I'm a virgin ok... BUT DON'T THINK FOR A MINUTE THAT I WOULDN'T LEAP FOR THE CHANCE TO COMMIT ADULTERY. AHAHAHAHA. TAKE THAT.

Yeah and maybe I'll commit a REAL crime against you christians and be GAY.

...

I mean I'm not but just saying if I were.

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d*** it guys I told you IM NOT GAY

GUYS

STOP LAUGHING AT ME

IT WAS A JOKE

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH IM STRAIGHT WHY DONT YOU BELIEVE ME--

- A^A

*****

um Richard Dawkins here. I think I'm lost. No matter. My smartness is always smart, no matter where it is.

I was writing another scholarly (that means PROFESSIONAL) article, this time about memes.

NO NOT THAT KIND.

The scientific meme.

...

I hate you, Internet.

******

HI GUYS I'M PHILLIP PULLMAN, OKAY?

Well ok so I finally got a movie out based on my books, and it tanked. Why?? Well I think the answer is FREAKING OBVIOUS: you are all MORONS.


Dont take it personally though ok. Sure you are all hopelessly stupid, but me and my fellow intellectuals will straighten you out in no time flat.

Ok so here's my list of reasons why you should stop what you're doing right now and go SEE THE MOVIE or READ MY BOOKS, to give Daddy Pullman some of your money (face it you were going to waste it buying a bible or something).

TOP TEN REASONS TO READ/WATCH THE "HIS DARK MATERIALS" TRILOGY

10. God doesn't exist, so I mean what else are you gonna do sitting there? Pray to the Easter bunny? Pffft. The genius that pours everyday from my magnificent skull has much more power than all those made-up stories you retards worship.

9. Reading the third installment of my trilogy, "The Amber Spyglass," is slightly more fun than a root canal!

8. Unlike other stoopid things you read, my books have philosophy in them. That means you get to spend long hours discussing my books, using terminology like "existentialism" and "string theory," and thus get to sound smart even though you're not! How about that, morons! The gift of being an Internet Atheist, I pass onto you!

7. Studies have shown I'm great in bed.

6. If you're like me, you're sick and tired of stories having morals and meaning. Mine have none, except something about humanity that you've heard a gazillion times (ahaha, right, the power of the individual, at least until you die and rot away from public memory. What was I thinking I was probably drunk as usual)

5. If you like CS Lewis (what is WRONG with you), then, well, WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT HIM?? Ooh, sure, he has deep allegories. Well guess what my books have allegories too. Like the "Church". You know what the "Church" stands for? CHRISTIANITY. PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, LEWIS!

4. Hot, hot bestiality. Polar bears and little girls, yum yum.

3. All money goes straight to where it's needed most: my beautiful, luscious mouth.

2. oh god please someone pay attention to me and tell me you love me--er, I mean, history has shown that people who believe in God are lame. WELL I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU HUH.

1. Someday when you retards grow the brain cells to put Atheists into power, I'll campaign for your right to be told what to do. You christianists really are hopeless, so it'll be up to us to fix this disaster of a country. Until then, all I can do is criticize you under the veil of a children's fantasy series. Yeah, I'm just that awesome.

If you are not convinced that I am amazing and that my words are all precious diamonds of wisdom, then you need to dunk your head in a bucket of ice water.

And keep your head there until you stop wasting oxygen.

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH IDIOTSSSSSS

ok guyz cya later im gonna go lick a mirror for a while. Im so frustratedddd >:( but doing that always cheers me up (sighs)

- Daddy Pullman OUTTA HERE, just like our primitive notions of RELIGON LOL


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