Friday, April 29, 2005

No Worries

I've been getting frantic e-mails as of late from concerned brothers in Christ, regarding this:

"Examining the Real Agenda of the Religious Far Right"

Why do you worry, my brothers? Don't you get it?

They had a whole, freakin' CONFERENCE about us!!!

I'm so giddy I cannot help but giggle like a schoolgirl.

Perhaps the most fantastic part of the conference is its treatment of our agenda: instead of ridiculing us for being a tiny fragment of a forgotten branch of Christianity, they are grilling over questions never thought of before. Mainly, how do Christian Reconstructionists affect American politics? How will they affect the future?



I tell you now, NO ONE has ever thought of these fundamental questions of our existence, because the primary response from the average American is, "The Christian who?"



I applaud these progressives for their bravery in pointing us out, despite the fact we are still a mere collection of old, white guys trying to convince 99.9% of the other "Christians" we aren't completely batty. These speakers are truly realizing the power of the squealched and mocked religious minority, realizing that if ONE Christian thinks America should be "Under God," than the country is undergoing an assault of religious fanatacism. Never before has such a tiny and dismissed piece of a monstrous group of people been upheld as the center of a religious agenda.

Sure, they hate our guts and want to ship all Christians off to the metaphorical boxcars, but we can live with that so long as we get into power before they do.

I decided to do some undercover work, as I like to do. Yes, my brothers, I had the great honor of attending the conference and listening to one of the speakers!

John Sugg was all right, railing against us and calling us all sorts of bad names I spoke to him afterwards.



Sugg: AND I WAS LIKE OH MY GAWD! These people... Are trying to reinstitute slavery and everything!

Me: Sooo, how do you so few people can do so much?

Sugg: They're a spark plug, dude. People don't know it but the RECONS ARE COMIN' TO GET YOU! They believe in, like, stoning gays and stuff. Prehistoric, man.

Me: Uh... All right, but--

Sugg: HAR HAR GET THIS! See, I'm not like right-wing pundits. Cuz I'm not a GAY PROSTITUTE. Get it? ...Jeff Gannon? Because he's gay? I mean, not that there's anything WRONG with that, but still, the faggot is Republican.

Me: ...

Sugg: Oh gawd I'm so drunk right now.

As you can see, it was particularly intellectually enthralling to see these minds at work, trying to undo our labor.

But, still, they are HEATHENS. Let us not forget they are rooted in the evils of this nation, which we are to reap once we take over.

So, we cross them off the list of people we are going to allow to live under the Theocracy. Actually, as the days go on, I'm beginning to notice a pattern emerging: Whoever isn't a Christian Reconstructionist is being crossed off.

Weird, huh?

Friday, April 22, 2005

Fellowship

"I'm telling you, coffee is of the devil!"

"Look, I'm way holier than you, and I drink ten cups a day!"

"But there's caffeine in it! That's a drug!"

"It's not a real drug!"

"'Real' drug? What do you mean by THAT?"

I loudly coughed at the childish scuffle and mess of ties and spectacles. "Guys..."

The two middle-aged men were screaming like girls, one bashing the other in the skull with an oversized donut. The rest of us looked on, blinking and patiently sitting back on the folding chairs.

"Coffee good, Al?" I wearily asked, tipping my foam cup in his direction.

"A little strong," he consented.

The girlish screams grew too loud to speak, so we took up the task of separating Bob and Joe. The board meeting hadn't gone as smoothly as I hoped it would, and the meeting hadn't even started yet.

"All right, my brothers," I loudly announced, stepping in front of the semicircle of folding chairs. Coffee and donuts were being passed around like the sacramental wine and bread, a faint chatter of a dozen balding men quivering through the largely empty room. "I think it's time we get started."

My suggestion was met with squeals of anger from Bob and Joe, who were being held down in their chairs on opposite sides of the circle. I ignored it.

"Ernie will read the minutes," I explained, grabbing Ernie by the collar and pushing him to the front.

"Wh-what? I never agreed to--"

I handed him the minutes and patted him on the back. "Thanks for volunteering on such short notice."

Ernie swallowed and adjusted his glasses. "Well... Let's see:


Ernie looked up. "That's it."

"Any corrections?" I asked, looking to the others.

Al raised his hand. "Didn't we burn an effigy of some kind? I think we burned an effigy."

There was a circle of nodding. "What kind of effigy?"

"Um... Probably of a heathen."

More nods.

"Fine," I sighed. "Make the correction, Ernie. Any more?" I could see we were in agreement, and Ernie sat down. "Moving on, I have some announcements to make. First of all, just this week we've hit a record: 19 Christian Reconstructionists officially exist in the United States!"

Kyle, inappropriately, leapt to his feet, letting out a wild cheer.

We stared at him. He sat down.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure myrtle03 and joshu4z are the same person," Ernie accused.

"What??" I struggled to regain my composure. "Really?"

"They use the exact same emoticons."

I slapped my forehead. Of course! It was so obvious!

"Well, whatever--the fact is, we've gained national recognition. That leads me to my next announcement though. There's good and bad news."

They wanted the good news first.

"We've gained recognition from the Southern Baptist Convention--"

Kyle cheered, and was stared down again.

"--but only to be condemned and denied any association."

Why? they asked.

I snorted. "Southern Baptists have this crazy idea that the church and state are seperate. In other words, they don't like our Theocracy dealie-o."

"They're probably heathens anyway," Al asserted dismissively.

We all agreed; Kyle, for a third time, emitted an inappropriate cry.


Kyle was gently taken care of in the manner we treat all fellow Brothers in Christ.

Bob and Joe went at it again, but it didn't matter anymore. We adjourned and went upstairs into the kitchen for cookies.

In short, the meeting was a brilliant success. Score 1 for Chris Recon and his gang of revolutionaries!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Rock Candy Mountains

All right, at last, Magnum has hit a nerve:
See what trusting christians has got this nation? I believe if you look at the stats, you will see a 50 fold increase in the number of homeless people since the so-called repubnik revolution that destroyed help for the poor.
It's shocking: according to the statistics existing only in Magnum's imagination, there are now 50 times more homeless people! What my question is: Why haven't I heard about this and what are we waiting for??

Look people: just give the hobos your change. You know they're going to use the money on booze, and that they've already made two-hundred dollars by the time you drive by, but there is an important thing to be accomplished.

First of all, we've got an image to change. When being generous to that hairy guy living in a box just around the corner, make sure everyone in a five-mile radius knows what you are doing. If necessary, get the local news over there. Please! We need the publicity. There are so many opportunities, and we haven't grasped them!



Poverty welfare rarely helps poor people anyway, so why fight it? As long as the poor stay poor, we have great publicity material. Don't get carried away by the whisky on their breath--beggars are awesome. They're sort of entertaining, too.

So please, my Christian brothers, be kind to the hobos. There's money in thar hills. It's a Christian thing to do.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Pope-Schmope

So, the Pope died.



Yeah, I guess we should say something, but what I must address is this sickening sucking-up my Christian brothers are doing. I've been looking at other Christian blogs, and everyone keeps talking about how NICE of a guy he was! He-llo, people! The man was Catholic!

I don't care what you've heard: only true Baptists are really Christians. It's nice that Catholics worship Jesus, and that they believe Jesus is the key to mankind's salvation, but I'm afraid there's just a LITTLE more required of Christians.

When was the last time the Pope went on a missions trip to Mexico, wearing a suit and passing out pocket Bibles? Has he ever even gone to a potluck? I bet he doesn't even KNOW what a hotdish is. The non-Baptist heathen.

Maybe when people open their eyes and stop being intimidated by the millions of Pope supporters, the truth will be seen and people will stop getting all mushy and stuff over a guy with a big hat.

...

Uh, I gotta go... I hear some noises... At the front door...

(Auuuugh! Let go of me! I swear I didn't mean--!)

Saturday, April 02, 2005

ACLU Is Our Enemy

At least Magnum gets it:
The ACLU is responsiable for our nation not being a theoracy. They have done so much to make sure non-christians have the same rights as christians...

Its the ACLU VS the christian right/christian reconstructionist.
The ACLU is fighting for the rights of non-christians to worship as they please
The ACLU is fighting for the right of people who are terminally ill to die in peace
The ACLU is fighting to keep the christian reconstructionist out of the class room
The ACLU is fighting to keep mr. bush in check so that this nation does not fall into a theoracy.
The ACLU is not against the citizens of the nation, but against the christian reconstructionist.
Ahem.

Do you see the problem now??

After all that work we went through to make sure non-christians were forced at gunpoint to go to church, and the ACLU goes off complaining!

We were... So close! Mr. Bush was in office and everything, but the ACLU came up claiming that people have RIGHTS. I was appalled by some literature I found published by these NAZIS and decided to give them a call.

I was shocked when I first called, hearing nothing but Satanic gibberish on the other line, but eventually a devil woman who was apparently unpossessed began to speak with me.

"What is this I read about your organization?" I screamed into the phone. "You ANTI-CHRISTIANS put up a poster on my block claiming gays are HUMAN!"

The woman replied rudely, "I think you have the wrong number. This is the A-L-C-U, not the A-C--"

"I know who you are!"

I valiantly fought against the heathen, who eventually gave in and revealed the number to her higher master. I think she realized I was not so EASILY INTIMIDATED by her Satanic accent.

I dialed the other number. After some more smooth-talking, the phone was picked up by a man. All I could hear at first was heavy breathing.

"Hi, I'm Ramona Ripston," he finally said. I could hear the man grunt and mutter something about homophobes.



"Can I help you with something?"

I prepared for my usual screeching. "I've contacted you to voice my CONCERN--"

There was a scream and I fell silent. "--You're not one of those HOMOPHOBES calling about that gay seminar we had in a kindergarten class, are you? Listen, homosexuality is a BEAUTIFUL THING and I think it's WONDERFUL that kids get exposure to it before bigots like you can BRAINWASH them!"

I blinked. "No."

"GOOD. BECAUSE WE KEEP LISTS OF YOU PEOPLE AND WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE." He sounded quite satisfied with himself and sighed over the phone.

I wasn't quite sure how to continue, so instead of confronting the devil, I played along. Oooh, I'm SLY! "So... What are your plans to stop the Christians from taking over?"

"Well, as you know," he began, "everyone has the right to be free in the U.S. Except, well, you know, CHRISTIANS. So, we're thinking, getting rid of Christmas should be the first step. Nothing says FASCISM like a Chrismas tree and presents."

I cursed was unhappy at this news. This was one of our favorite plans to instill theocracy on America!



"And of course, oppressing a religion is the worst way to deal with it. Just gives them a common enemy. We're ain't gonna make any MARTYRS. So, instead of boxcars and concentration camps, we like the Swedish 're-education' route. The Bible? Hate speech. Gay men not being allowed to work with boy scouts? Discrimination. Claiming Islam has problems? Get your butt off to re-education camp, buddy."

I could not restrain myself any longer.

We continued the conversation in a civilized, rational manner.

"CHRISTIAN FASCIST!"

"SATANIC DEVIL-WORSHIPPER!"

"HOMOPHOBIC CHILD-MOLESTER!"

"SODOMIZING UNBELIEVER!"

"YOU NAZI JEW-LOVING--"

I'm not sure how long it went on, but we eventually both ran out of adjectives and hung up.

Just goes to show you.